My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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