Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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