Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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