Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
