Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
