You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
