He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
