On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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