fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize