Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
