i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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