he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
