i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
