I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
