I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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