I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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