Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
