My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I touched a dick in church today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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