I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize