is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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