Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
