I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
