i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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