Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
