You can't motorboat a personality
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
