we're chasing vodka with high fives
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
