I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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