What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
