I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
