Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
