remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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