they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
