What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
