I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
