I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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