I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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