Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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