just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
