After last night, I could never be a politician.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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