I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
