Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
