Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
