I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
