Your tits are I can't wait for
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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