I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
