you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
