Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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