yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we made out on top of his cat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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