i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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