So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
