i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
