im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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