i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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