paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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