david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
