Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
