My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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