On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
