My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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