They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
